Dirty Little Secret
by sashsweetie
Summary: Abbey's story. CJ's POV. Abbey/CJ implied. We'll see where it goes :
1. Chapter 1

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret_

Who has to know  
The way she feels inside  
Those thoughts I can't deny  
These sleeping thoughts won't lie  
And now I try to lie  
It's eating me apart  
Trace this life back  
I'll keep you my dirty little secret  
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret  
I'll keep you my dirty little secret  
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret  
My dirty little secret  
Dirty little secret  
Dirty little secret  
Who has to know?  
Who has to know?

_-- Dirty Little Secret, The All-American Rejects_

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Abbey couldn't help but be captivated by CJ as she sat across from her at the table. She watched her laugh, tell jokes, blush with embarrassment, and all it did was increase her infatuation with the woman. _She's your best friend._ A little voice ventured through the back of her mind. Abbey knew it was true. But it wasn't like such things hadn't happened before.

_12-year-old Abbey danced out of reach. "You can't catch me!" she giggled, racing away in the opposite direction from whoever was "it". _

"_Abbey!" her best friend Linda grabbed her hand. "Come on!" The two of them ran towards the beach, laughing as they left the game of tag behind. There were plenty of others to continue to play. _

She brought her attention back to the situation at hand, laughing at whatever joke had just been told. Jed turned to her and murmured something. She just nodded and smiled, her eyes on CJ. Jed got up and moved away. She presumed to the Oval Office. CJ stood and made her way around the table to take his seat. "Are you alright Abbey?" she questioned, concern in her voice. "You seem a little out of it."

"I'm just tired" Abbey brushed it off. "You're the life of the party, now aren't you!" she grinned at the younger woman.

"I've been trying to get a rise out of you all evening, Abbey. You're evidently paying no attention whatsoever." CJ informed her sternly.

"I know." Abbey sighed. CJ's eyes searched her.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm just…distracted."

"Okay." CJ stayed sitting beside her, placing her hand on Abbey's under the table for comfort. Abbey's mind drifted off again.

_They were 16, getting ready for the first dance of the year. Abbey watched Linda as she applied eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick, self-consciously looking at her own bare face occasionally. "Want some?" Linda questioned, offering the make-up. Abbey shook her head._

"_I'm not allowed." _

"_Don't be silly. We'll wash it off before we get picked up." Linda pulled Abbey so she was facing her and started in on her face. "You're wearing a beautiful dress, Ab. Put a little make-up on you and all the guys will be after you! Everyone says you're the prettiest girl in our year." _

"_I'm not as pretty as you." Abbey replied honestly. She loved Linda's long blond hair and blue eyes. Linda smiled and kissed her gently on the cheek. Abbey blushed._

"_You're a sweetheart." Linda informed her. _

"Still with me, Abbey?" CJ asked. She was standing behind her chair, and everyone else was filing off to mingle in the centre of the room. Abbey jumped.

"Sorry" she stood up. "I don't know where my mind is this evening." CJ looked her up and down.

"Abigail?"

"Yes, Claudia Jean?"

"Let's get drunk." CJ led the way to a table with a variety of bottles of wine on it, pouring a glass for herself and one for the First Lady. "Cheers" She saluted, and started sipping hers at a phenomenal rate. Abbey grinned and followed suit.

"_Abbey!" Linda called to her from across the yard. "I have a present for you!" She presented her friend with a bottle of wine and a kiss on the cheek. "Happy eighteenth, sweetheart!"_

"_Thank you!" Abbey grinned. "Now let's drink it!" They sat in the garden, taking turns sipping out of the bottle until they were both quite tipsy. _

"_You're beautiful, Ab." Linda leaned her head on Abbey's shoulder. Abbey giggled. _

"_You're the one going out with the most gorgeous guy in all of Saints!" _

"_The only reason you aren't is that you won't DATE anybody!" _

"_My dad would kill me." Abbey pointed out. "I'll just wait till university." _

"_Your dad doesn't have to know." Linda nudged her. _

"_I don't like lying." Abbey replied honestly._

"_I know you don't." Linda tucked a strand of Abbey's hair behind her eyes, then undid her work by jumping on her and pulling her down on the grass, giggling "Being drunk is fun." She announced._

"_Want more?" Abbey sat back up and took another drink herself. "We have more." Linda took the pro-offered bottle._

"_In honour of Abigail Bartlet's 18__th__!" she saluted to Abbey and took another long drink. _

"_You're ridiculous." Abbey chuckled. _

"_It's why you love me." Linda teased. _

"_It's true." Abbey agreed whole-heartedly. She couldn't think of anyone she liked more than Linda. Why spend your time chasing after boys when you had a best friend like her?_

Abbey hung out in a corner with the boys and CJ, enjoying the crude jokes that tended to come out at this point in the evening. The part she liked best was yet to come – when the guests that had to be pandered to left, and they all ended up in the residence playing cards or just replaying the evening. Nonetheless, she'd already taken care of greeting everyone, and was simply enjoying herself now, especially as the wine was quickly making its way to her head.

"Come dance with me, CJ!" Sam dragged CJ off towards the dance floor, where Josh was already making a fool of himself with Donna.

"Why not?" CJ gestured helplessly at Abbey as she almost tripped following Sam. Josh dragged them in to form a dance circle. Abbey grinned. The best and the brightest sure couldn't dance, so she just enjoyed the amusement, laughing with Leo at their antics.

"_Visit soon, okay?" Linda's eyes were filled with tears as she wrapped her arms around Abbey. _

"_I'll be home for Thanksgiving. That's not too far away." Abbey pointed out._

"_I know…I'll just…"Linda paused, shaking her head. "I'll just miss you." Abbey kissed her cheek gently. _

"_I'll miss you too Lin." She smiled. "I'll call a lot, okay?" Linda nodded._

"_Yeah." She still looked sad. Abbey hugged her one last time and then turned to leave. "Ab?" Linda pulled her back around. Her eyes were still full of tears. She took Abbey's hands and stood up on tip toe, pressing her lips gently to Abbey's. "I love you, Ab. For always." She ran out of the room, and Abbey could hear her sobs from the bathroom. Abbey was left touching her lips, confused. _

"I thought it went well." Jed was well on his way to kicking Sam's ass at chess. Sam seemed confused as to how it had happened.

"Yeah." He said distractedly, trying to find a way out of the president's trap. "Can we just play cards?" he begged. "I at least have a chance there." Jed grinned.

"Do you concede?" Sam nodded.

"Cards, then?" Leo asked.

"I think we're good, aren't we?" CJ raised her eyebrows at Donna and Abbey, with whom she was conversing over a bottle of wine in the corner.

"Yeah, I'm too drunk for cards." Donna admitted.

"Me too" Abbey lay back on the couch she was sharing with CJ. "Far too drunk." She looked up at CJ. "Hello, Claudia Jean."

"Hello, Abbey." CJ smiled back.

_The next time she went home, she kissed Linda back._

"You're sure you were okay earlier? You looked like you do after you have a fight with Himself" CJ and Abbey were walking around the Rose Garden.

"I was just thinking."

"About what?" CJ questioned. Abbey looked down.

"You really want to know?"

"Yup."

"You, actually." Abbey admitted. "You're an amazing woman, Claudia Jean." CJ seemed taken aback, and Abbey wondered if she'd made a mistake.

"Thank you, Abbey" she smiled, taking the other woman's hand in hers. "That's very kind of you to say."

"Just honest." She paused for a minute. "I was also thinking about my friend Linda."

"Oh." CJ waited for her to continue.

"I haven't spoken to her since I married Jed." Abbey looked up at CJ. "She never did forgive me for that."

CJ looked confused. "Why would she need to forgive you?"

Abbey took a breath. "This isn't something you can repeat to anyone, Claudia." CJ nodded.

"She was the first person I ever loved. I think she never believed I'd give her up until I did it. And she certainly never forgave me for it."

"No-one ever does" CJ pointed out.

Abbey looked up at her, smiling. "You're probably my only honest to God friend, Claudia Jean. You know that? You know more about me that anyone but Jed. And more than him, in places."

CJ grinned. "Well all of my friends work here, so I'm not far ahead of you." She realised she was still holding Abbey's hand, and looked down at it.

"Oh, sorry." Abbey took her hand away, awkwardly. CJ smiled.

"I didn't mind, Abbey. I just noticed we were still holding hands."

Abbey smiled back. "Okay." She put her hand back in Claudia Jean's.

She pondered the scene that night as she lay in bed. Did CJ have feelings for her, too? It was hard to draw a line between two women.

As she drifted off, she dreamed.

"_Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession." Abbey crossed herself and knelt. _

"_What can I help you with, my child?"_

"_I'm having impure thoughts about my best friend." Tears came to Abbey's eyes as she thought of Linda. _

"_What sort of impure thoughts." _

"_She is a woman, and I am in love with her" the tears came faster now. How could what she had with Linda be wrong?_

"_Are your feelings reciprocated?" _

"_Yes." Abbey whispered. _

"_The Bible says that love of this sort should be between a man and a woman." _

"_Yes." Abbey whispered. _

"_Then why do you flout God's law by loving this woman, knowing what the Bible says?"_

"_My feelings will not go away." Abbey whispered._

"_You should pray for forgiveness." _

"_I will." Abbey promised._

"_10 hail Mary's and 4 our Father's" _

"_Thank you." Abbey crossed herself and ran from the Church, rosary in hand. _

_That night she burned her letters from Linda while she prayed, hoping that her prayers would resolve the chasm in her heart between love and religion. _

_They didn't._


	2. Chapter 2

CJ had noticed that Abbey was off as soon as she sat down at the table. It startled her. Abigail Bartlet was always on the ball, no matter what was going on behind the scenes. But not tonight. Tonight she was unfocussed, her attention drifting. As Abbey's self-designated go-to girl, CJ decided there and then to do whatever it took to get Abbey's attention back to the matter at hand.

As the night progressed, she realised that wherever Abbey's mind was, she seemed to be on it. The only attention whatsoever Abbey seemed to be paying was to her. Her motions and emotions. When CJ laughed or looked embarrassed, an echo of a smile crossed Abbey's face. She began to try jokes designed to please the First Lady, with no luck. Finally, when she stood as the President left the table, she made her way around to Abbey's side.

"Abbey" she whispered, to no response. "Abbey!" Abbey came out of a sort of trance, startled to find CJ at her side.

"Claudia Jean. You surprised me." She smiled up at her tall friend.

"Are you all right?" CJ questioned. This wasn't like Abbey at all.

"Yeah" Abbey nodded, her eyes drifting to her lap. "Aren't you the life of the party!" she grinned up at CJ again.

CJ raised an eyebrow. "Abbey, I've been trying to get your attention all evening. Wherever your head is, it's certainly not here. Are you all right?" She sat down in the President's seat.

"Just tired" Abbey smiled as CJ slipped a hand into hers under the table. _Just tired!_ CJ rolled her eyes to herself. At least she could try and keep everyone else from noticing Abbey's mental absence from this side of the table. With the President absent, it didn't take long for people to start migrating towards the dance floor with its drinks and trays of delicacies. Soon the senior staff started wandering over too. CJ squeezed Abbey's hand and got to her feet, starting to follow the rest of the table. The First Lady didn't get up. CJ sighed.

"Abbey" she squeezed her shoulder gently. Abbey looked up and shook her head.

"I don't know where my mind is tonight!" she exclaimed, getting to her feet. CJ looked her up and down and grinned.

"Abigail?"

"Yes, Claudia?" Abbey appeared confused by CJ's thought process. CJ reached out a hand to her.

"Let's get drunk." It was an offer neither of them could ever refuse at one of these functions. Abbey smiled and followed her towards a table of drinks surrounded by the other senior staff members. It didn't take long for Josh to conclude that the dance floor was a good place for him and Donna. They laughed as he inexpertly twirled her around the dance floor, drink in hand.

"Ow!" A yelp from Donna was evidence that Josh had managed to step on a toe somewhere along the line.

"CJ!" Sam made his way towards them. "Dance with me!" CJ shrugged and took his hand.

"Why not?" she raised her eyebrows at Abbey and Toby as she allowed Sam to drag her onto the dance floor, where she was immediately taken hostage by Donna.

Later on, as they lay drunkenly sprawled across the residence as the boys played cards, CJ suggested a walk. Donna opted out, concluding that the couch was far more comfortable. CJ was glad. Perhaps Abbey would tell her more if they were alone.

"Are you sure you're all right?" she asked again as they wandered drunkenly through the rose garden.

"I was just thinking, Claudia" Abbey smiled tiredly.

"What about? You were pretty distracted."

Abbey looked at her sideways. "You really want to know?" CJ nodded.

"I was thinking about you." She sighed. CJ's heart fluttered.

"Me?"

"You're an amazing woman, Claudia Jean." CJ had stopped walking from shock. She realised this as Abbey looked back at her and started moving again.

"Thank you." She blushed. "It means a lot to hear you say that." She reached for Abbey's hand easily. Abbey squeezed it gently.

"Just honest." She smiled and looked off into the sky. "I was also thinking about Linda."

"Linda?" CJ looked at her confused. Abbey smiled at her.

"My best childhood friend" she paused, frowning. "I haven't talked to her since I married Jed. She never forgave me for that." CJ squeezed her hand.

"Why would she need to forgive you?"

Abbey sighed and gazed at her levelly, assessing her. "This isn't something you can repeat to anyone." CJ nodded.

"She was the first person I ever loved. I don't think she believed I would give her up for him. And when I did…"

"No one ever forgives you for leaving them." CJ tried not to be too tickled by the fact that Abbey liked women. She was rewarded for her nonchalance.

"You're probably my only honest-to-God friend, Claudia Jean. You know that? You know more about me than anyone else, maybe even Jed." Abbey beamed at her, and CJ blushed.

"Well, all of my friends work here, so…" CJ tried to cover what seemed to be rapidly becoming more than a crush. She noticed they were still holding hands. Abbey noticed her awkwardness and let go, looking hurt.

"Sorry."

"I didn't mind." CJ tried to recover. "I just noticed, that's all." Abbey smiled again, and took her hand back.

That night, CJ lay in bed and imagined what could be.


End file.
